The battle of the sexes

The science section of The New York Times had an interesting article last Tuesday (Nov. 11) on a new theory about mental disorders. It suggested that there is a struggle between a mother and a father’s genes for control of the brain. If the mother’s side wins too decisively, the brain can end up with schizophrenia or a related mental illness. If the father's side wins too decisively, the child can have autism. Now, there is still a lot of evidence needed to validate this model. But it does fit with a number of other things I have read.

For example, it turns out that the fetus is not some harmless passenger in the mother’s body. In many ways, it is like an internal parasite, and the mother’s body is in a constant struggle to keep the fetus from wreaking havoc with the mother’s health (a lot of pregnancy problems, such as gestational diabetes, stem from this struggle).

What all this suggests is that many things we assume are harmonious are actually better described as a kind of stalemate between fiercely warring factions. And I want to suggest that male-female relationships also fall into this category. Take conception. Researchers have discovered a host of measures that men’s bodies naturally perform to try to ensure that they are the father of a child, while women’s bodies have developed their own counter-measures to try to ensure that they are selecting the fathers. The most wild example of this? Female orgasm, which some scientists have suggested is a “cryptic selection device.”

Of course, this sort of information is no help to people in relationships, so for them, it’s probably better to forget about this post and just think of their couplings as a beautiful expression of what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much…

The problem with dating books

I’m embarrassed to say how many dating books I’ve read. But it’s not my fault. I have had many of them foisted on me over the years by my sisters or my female friends. And I had to read a whole slew of them when I was researching my book, Decoding Love. After doing that, I have to come to one simple conclusion, there’s no there there. The vast majority of books are basically a series of anecdotes strung together.

Let’s take a huge hit from a few years ago, He’s Just Not That Into You. As Sex and the City fans know, this book emerged from Miranda’s sudden relationship epiphany that all of male relationship misbehavior can be explained with one simple statement: He’s just not that into you. And the book goes on to illustrate the point in endless ways. It’s the first book I have ever read that you really could judge not just by its cover but by its title alone.

I can see the appeal of the book. It’s funny and entertaining. As relationship advice, though, it is, to say the least, a little thin. If I could pose one simple question, why is he just not that into you? I don’t think that is too much to ask. I’m not looking for heavy number crunching and statistical modeling. But I think it’s not unreasonable to offer something to readers beyond a one-sentence thesis.

And there is a fairly straightforward explanation. Men make sperm, and women make eggs. My previous post explains the significance of this, so I won’t go into the details again. But I do think the reader deserves more than a one-sentence catchphrase when trying to understand something as complicated as relationships.

Mars and Venus, Sperm and Eggs

Mars versus Venus

For a long time, “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus” became a kind of cultural shorthand to explain everything that went on between men and women. But I think there is a much better way to think about our sexual differences—men make sperm, and women make eggs. From this one simple difference, you can get a vast array of different behaviors (and not just in humans—you find the same distinction at work throughout the animal kingdom).

You see, sperm are cheap (sorry, guys, it’s really not a precious gift). Not just cheap to make but cheap over time because the man doesn’t have to worry about all those pesky details like carrying around an unborn baby inside of him for nine months, let alone breast feeding it once it is born.

But eggs are precious. A woman produces only one a month. If she gets pregnant, she is on the hook for another nine months and really another couple of decades. On top of all of that, there is a sharp limit on the number of children she can have during her lifetime.

So, what sort of behaviors should this lead to? First, women should be a lot pickier than men are about their sexual partners. And studies show that they are. Second, women should be much more interested in commitment, and studies show that is true is well. In fact, there are a slew of behaviors that stem from this distinction. But all of them add up to one conclusion: women are in the driver’s seat when it comes to dating.

Or at least they should be. There is a crucial wrinkle that changes this dynamic somewhat—monogamy. Legally sanctioned and enforced, buttressed by religion and society. Under those conditions, men start to become fairly choosy as well because it becomes a life-time partnership, not a one-night stand.

Ironically, women have a lot more control over the dating scene in a polygamous society than in a monogamous one. But I will leave that for another post.

PS If you are into the Mars/Venus distinction, the book you should read is Deborah Tannen’s You Just Don’t Understand, which laid the groundwork for the whole idea (not that she receives the credit she deserves). Her book is still probably the best single work on how men and women communicate in a fundamentally different fashion.

Introduction

Hi,

This is my first post, so let me briefly introduce myself. I’ve recently finished a book, Decoding Love, which will come out next January. It’s based on the latest research about human attraction—everything from how certain perfumes can make a woman appear slimmer to the current efforts of some economists to analyze dating in terms of free market principles. I plan to blog about the various ways that this research can illuminate aspects of our romantic culture. I’ve been writing for a number of years, although I won’t bore you with the details. If you’re interested in learning about my past books, feel free to visit my web page, www.decodinglove.com

I look forward to posting my thoughts, and I hope that at least a few readers out there find the material as interesting as I do.